pedronegro

...in the world live on the streets of San Francisco. Erin Wellock and I experienced some of the most amazing things this weekend on Haight street. Example: Setting-man walking down the street holding a bud in the air in the middle of the day. The Man-Jamaican man with dreadlocks and the look of 20 years on the street. The Song-"I got that international weed! I smoked a spliff last night it makes me feel alright! Everything be ire cause I got that international weed."

He walked with us for a few blocks and couldn't figure out why Erin and I were not brothers because we looked exactly the same. If you have met us we don't really look all that alike...we are just both skinny, which he did in fact point out.

San Francisco was great as always! I need to live there...I think?

What in the world does it mean to be a Christian? In Donald Millers book Blue Like Jazz he discusses why he calls it Christian spirituality ( and I am sure that I am botching the graceful way that Don clearly expresses his thoughts through writing) The word Christian for so many, means so many different things. This is where I am at. The term salvation had been stirred up in my mind. I have been reading a lot about diffenernt peoples views having to do with this word salvation and its relationship with Christianity. Some would say that being "saved" has nothing to do with your relationship to God (Brian McLaren - Generous Otrhodoxy especially on pg 112, I don't agree with him much) and others would say that salvation though it is something that comes out of the "whole deal" it is not our main focus, I don't know what this means to me.

I guess that for my whole life I thought about Christianity as our way to get to heaven, Jesus came to "save" us. For what He has done for us we give him out life. Through this giving of our lives to him we are transformed. We become new people. Everything changes, not the instant of belief or shortly there after but transformation begins. I just feel like this past year or two everything that I have known or thought I have know has become somewhat shaken. This for me is faith. Not knowing all the answers, begin confused, frustrated at the church, upset that God didn't leave a clear and detailed outline of definitions, theology, and church hand books (I know we have the bible which I have been trying to read more and more) but there is still so much discussion about all these things I am confused. I desire answers and I want truth in my life.

If any of thing is certain in all of this, it is that through all of this confusion and struggle I have sought the Lord and made effort to get to know the source of all truth more and more everyday.

This is what I am sure of: My faith lies in trusting that God will give me the answers! God has a will for my life and that will is to seek the Lord in spite of all of my doubts.

I hate all the new security measures! I was just trying to sign in this morning to the Bank of America website to make sure that I wasn't late on my credit card bill when I began to realize how much I hate all these new security measures. Bank of America has the most out of control security for online banking. So good in fact that they didn't even believe me when I answered all there lame questions. I just can't wait until they fix the internet so that I can send in my blood sample online to see if it really is Peter Black trying to make a credit card payment. Heaven forbid someone breaking into my account to pay my overdue bill.

This morning I had a few different people at church ask me what was going on. I thought that I was fine, my standard Christian response to any problem. But what was the matter? Was it that obvious? The truth is, like so many other Christians, I go to a place where I claim that I want community and authenticity and when the situations arise for that to begin I shy away. Well it is either that or I don't want the community that I talk about. I would rather hide (obviously I didn't do that great of a job) than talk about what is going on in my life. Community is vaurnelable, messy and real. Not only do you have to talk about what is going on in your life but the lives of the others as well. This is where my problem lies to begin with. There is a friend of mine who I feel recently has placed his self worth into the opinion I have of him. This is putting me in a very awkward position. I could tell him my opinion which I think is usually a good thing but then I have the possibility of crushing him, or giving him false hope. I don't want to do either. The crown jewel of this thing is that I don't want this burden in the first place. I don't want to have to feel bad for telling him my opinion when he asks or lie to him. So here is some community so real messy stuff. I think that I would rather avoid community and take the easy road, the only problem is that I would have to never post this blog. This is in a way a community of mine and to avoid the hypocrisy that I don't want I need to stick to me guns. Have some conviction. Turns out that once more; I battle in others, the things I hate about myself.

I AM THE PROBLEM WITH THE CHURCH TODAY

I talked with Matt Pool last week and after a little convincing he told me that I should blog again...so here I am. As I look it has been over a year now since my last post. So much has changed over the last year. I dont know where to begin? The things the that have changed spirtually for me? Life changes like weddings? Life decisions? I will start with this. As this new year begins (2006) I hope that I will make more positive changes, have a more humble, teachable attitude and as always continue to work out my ongoing dialogue with my creator, growing from his constant instruction and lifechanging grace.

Here is to a new year and a good year!
Peter